How To Make Someone Realize They Can’t Control You Without Convincing Them
When confronted with a controlling person or a high-stakes conflict,
it is easy to become riled up and reflexively defend yourself.
However, maintaining grounded confidence
can help you remain in control of yourself
and the situation without giving away your power.
The Problem With Trying to Convince
The default move for most people when their job, relationship,
or reputation is on the line is to try and convince the other person.
You might act like you need the person or the job,
or try to change their mind so they accept you.
However, when you try to convince someone,
you are ultimately manipulating yourself
and squeezing into the space the other person has left for you.
Convincing energy stems from neediness.
It is a form of chasing, and it almost never works because people
do not like to connect with others who have given away their power.
This dynamic is equally true in sales, romance, and friendships.
Three Habits to Stop Convincing and Start Inviting
Instead of engaging in a power struggle
or reflexively defending yourself,
you can practice three habits the next time you feel tempted
to convince someone.
Slow Down Your Response
When you feel under fire, you do not get any points
for defending yourself quickly.
In fact, you might lose some leverage for being hyper-reactive.
Take a pause and slow down your response
to avoid reacting out of emotion.
Accept Their Choice and Name Yours
Rather than engaging in a power struggle,
fully accept the other person’s choice and then name
your choice in response.
Do not say “You can’t do that” or “You’re going to regret this,”
as those are just attempts to convince them.
By simply stating your position,
there is no room for argument because you are allowing them
the power they actually have,
but you are not granting them the power to choose how you respond.
Invite Them to a Solution With No Pressure
The final step is to invite the other person to a solution
that works for you, without any pressure.
Simply name what you are aiming for
and let the other person make their own decision.
Tell the truth as you see it, and give the other person
the space to freely make their choice.
Living Invitationally
Not convincing does not mean withdrawing from conflict immediately
or never selling anything to anyone.
It simply means you do not get hung up on one company,
one client, or one outcome.
The goal is to live invitationally:
simply state what you are offering or what you are about.
If the other person is interested, that is great.
If they are not, that is okay too.
