A Test to Judge How Good Your Parents Were
Strangely and rather awkwardly,
it seems that no human being can ever really grow up
sane unless they have been loved very deeply by somebody
else for a number of years in their early life.
We are still learning what good parents might actually be like.
Based on how children develop, here are eight principles
of good parenting that you might use to grade them.
Getting Down to the Child’s Level
A loving parent gets down to the child’s level—at times literally
dropping down to their height when addressing them in order
to see the world through their eyes.
They understand that a very young child cannot easily fit in
with external demands and that, in the early days,
they must be prioritized and placed at the center of things.
This is not in order to spoil them,
but in order to give them a chance to grow.
Validating Minor Joys and Sorrows
Loving parents understand that their young offspring’s lives
revolve around details that are, by any adult measure, very minor.
Toddlers will feel enormously happy
because they can dig their nails into some putty
or have a chance to whack their spoon into some peas.
Conversely, they will feel extremely sad
because a pet rabbit lost one of its buttons
or a page in a favorite book has a tear in it.
The good enough parent feels sufficiently resourceful inside
not to hold it against the child for making a very big deal
out of so-called nothing.
They will follow the child in its excitement over a puddle
and its grief over an uncomfortable sock.
They understand that the child’s future ability
to be considerate to other people and to handle genuine
disasters will be critically dependent on having had an ample
fill of sympathy for a range of age-appropriate sorrows.
Providing Kindly Interpretations of Behavior
A loving parent will know how to put the best possible
interpretation on behavior that might seem
to others to be pretty unfortunate:
- The small child isn’t just a troublemaker; it has been very upset by the arrival of a sibling.
- It isn’t antisocial; it just finds a small circle of familiar people especially soothing.
- It isn’t a nightmare; it surely just needs to go to bed pretty soon.
This capacity for imaginative, kindly explanations will
go on to mold the workings of the child’s own conscience.
They will learn the art of self-forgiveness,
won’t have to torture themselves for their mistakes,
and won’t suffer the ravages of self-loathing
or be tempted to take their own life when they mess up badly.
Allowing Space for Weirdness
The loving parent will feel sufficiently sane to allow
a child to be a bit weird for a while, knowing that so-called weird
is actually part of normal development.
They won’t get flustered if the child decides to pretend
to be an animal, wants to eat only red-colored foods,
or has an imaginary friend living in the tree at the end of the garden.
The adult will have faith in sanity emerging and in the wisdom
of exploring a lot of possible options
before choosing to settle on reason.
They will be patient around low moods and unruffled
by adolescent surliness.
Furthermore, a parent won’t assign labels to a child—such as
“the angry one,” “the little philosopher,”
or “the kind one”—that might fix them in a role
they were only trying out.
They will allow the child the luxury of picking their own identity.
Accepting Dependence and Clinginess
The good parent knows that children may well cling
for a long time and will never dismiss this natural need
for reassurance in pejorative terms.
They won’t tell the child to buck up and be a “good little man”
or a “nice young lady” who can make them proud.
They will know that those who end up securely attached
and able to tolerate absence are those who were originally
allowed to have as much dependence
and connection as they needed.
There will be a few requests to be brave at the school gates.
Remaining Ordinary and Relatable
A good parent won’t set themselves up as an impossibly
glamorous or remote figure whom the child may be tempted
to idealize and ruminate over from afar.
They will know how to be present and very ordinary around
the house—dignified, perhaps, but also on occasion
bratty, forgetful, silly, and greedily keen to have too much dessert.
The good parent will know that parental quirks
and flaws are there to remind a child to reconcile itself
to its own humanity, and also eventually to leave home
and get on with their own lives.
Acting as a Source of Predictable Calm
A good parent will know how to appear very boring.
They understand that what a child chiefly needs is a source
of reliable calm, not fireworks and excitement;
it has enough of these inside its own mind.
They should be there in the same place,
saying more or less the same things for decades.
They should take care to be predictable
and to edit out surprising moods.
The child doesn’t need a full picture of every perturbation
and temptation coursing through its carers’ minds.
The parent accepts that “mummy” or “daddy” are roles,
not full representations.
It should be the privilege of every child not to have to know
their parents in complete detail.
Giving Unilaterally
The good parent isn’t looking for a balanced relationship;
they are happy to give unilaterally.
They don’t need to be asked how their day was
or what they think of the government’s new policy on insurance.
They know that a child should be able to take
a parent substantially for granted.
The parents’ reward for all their work won’t ever be direct.
It will arrive by noting, in many years’ time,
that their child has just developed into a very
good parent themselves.
Conclusion
Put simply, love is the considerate, tender,
hugely patient behavior displayed by an adult
over many years towards a child who cannot help
but be largely out of control, confused, frustrating, and bewildered.
All of this is done so that this child might, over time,
grow into an adult who can take its place in society
without too much of a loss of spontaneity,
without too much terror, and with a basic trust in its
own capacities and chances of fulfillment.
