Why Dating Feels So Broken Right Now

Modern dating is insufferable for many.

In a world overflowing with options,

finding love has never been more frustrating or more confusing.

In the past, things were much easier;

you married the girl next door or met your future partner at church.

Today, things seem much more complex.

We look beyond the old structures that once regulated our love lives

into a wide-open world with endless opportunities.

Marriage has become optional in much of the West,

and we are now exploring casual dating, situationships,

and friends with benefits.

These new forms of relating have increased our freedom

to shape our love lives but have also complicated things.

Dating apps add to this by granting access

to a dating pool of millions.

Confronted by this unprecedented complexity and choice,

finding a romantic partner has become harder, not easier.

According to the Pew Research Center,

31% of US adults say they are single—meaning not married,

not living with a partner, and not in a committed relationship.

Among young adults aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 41%.

Similar patterns exist in Western Europe,

and countries like Japan and South Korea are even more affected.

A growing singles epidemic is clearly underway.

The Shift From Regulated Love to Freedom

The idea of arranged marriages or having family select

a partner sounds horrifying to many today.

It sounds like a massive restriction on personal freedom,

and in many ways, it is.

However, such restrictions and regulations on love lives

were the norm in many parts of the world.

Our love lives used to be embedded in social

and economic institutions, and the reasons to marry were

mainly rational—for financial reasons, family, or religious piety.

Romance, attraction, and intimacy had their place,

but they were not the guiding principles.

This highly regulated dating market had perks.

Because love was controlled, finding a partner, getting married,

and starting a family was virtually set in stone for most people.

Finding a life partner was a path already mapped out

by the environment.

Love belonged more in the domain of facticity;

it was dictated by the environment,

and it was up to those involved to make the best of it.

Even as arranged marriages declined in the West,

people still faced limitations because the world was much smaller.

Elderly couples were usually from the same neighborhood,

often even the same street.

There was less emphasis on finding the “perfect”

partner with lots of commonalities and optimal traits.

If someone was “good enough,” you could probably make it work.

Because the bar was lower for determining

if someone was good enough marriage material,

the vast majority of people got married and often stayed together.

Today, we cherish individual freedom. But transitioning

from regulated love to the chaos of nonregulated love

has brought immense uncertainty.

The archaic structures eroded, leaving us on our own to find a partner.

The Unrealistic Expectations of Modern Love

The vast freedom we enjoy comes with a great challenge.

People ask themselves where to look, what to look for,

and what feelings they should experience.

• The Boiling Water Metaphor: Old-fashioned marriages weren’t forged by intense feelings from the get-go, but these couples weren’t loveless; their feelings developed over time. Today, we want feelings quickly, ideally at first sight. If things aren’t “boiling” immediately, committing to marriage seems premature. People used to just need “water,” and once they committed, they did their best to heat it up. Following only intense initial feelings can blind us and lead to bad decisions.
• The “Everything” Partner: We want someone with similar interests who can be a lover, best friend, financial provider, adventurer, and confidant. As psychotherapist Esther Perel notes, we now turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
• The “Ick” Mentality: Focusing heavily on spotting flaws turns dating into a series of missed opportunities. People reduce potential partners to a checklist of “icks,” which is a shallow way of assessing people. This environment causes people to hide their authentic selves to fit into someone else’s checklist.

The Illusion of Dating Apps

Before apps, online dating carried a stigma.

Apps like Tinder changed that with a simple swipe interface,

making it mainstream and largely removing the stigma.

Today, online dating is a primary way people meet partners.

Dating apps promise to help us select partners

based on specific indicators like photos, bios, age, and location.

In theory, this sounds highly effective, but in practice, it often fails.

• The Paradox of Choice: Dating apps expand the dating pool to millions, causing people to become even more selective.
• Commodification of Love: Users must communicate their value as a “brand” and decipher the brand value of others. It becomes presentation over substance, resulting in people carefully crafting polished identities instead of showing their true selves.
• Disposable Culture: Dating apps and social media have facilitated ghosting, breadcrumbing, and easier cheating, adding more uncertainty and pain to the process.

How to Navigate the Modern Dating Landscape

Despite the bleak landscape,

people are still getting married and having children.

If you are struggling with modern dating,

consider these approaches:

• Deprioritize Dating Apps: Join a community that facilitates real-life connections, such as a sports club, hobby group, or religious community. This narrows your options, which can actually relieve the paradox of choice.
• Drop the Perfectionism: Set realistic standards and avoid the “ick” mentality. Everyone has flaws, and nobody is perfect.
• Become More Self-Reliant: Do not expect one partner to fulfill all your social and emotional needs. It is simply unrealistic.
• Focus on Long-Term Qualities: The water does not have to boil immediately. Simmering is enough for connection to take place over time. Look for qualities that make long-term relationships possible: communication, a willingness to commit, shared goals, and similar ethics.
• Accept the Transient Nature of Things: Looks will fade, status can disappear, and wealth can vanish. Be aware of the workings of change to make wiser choices based on character rather than superficial traits.

Embracing Solitude

If you find yourself continuously struggling in the dating market,

pushing yourself to stay positive and keep trying

can become a form of cruel optimism.

Being single is not a failure.

The solitude that comes with singlehood can bring

a profound sense of peace.

It offers a streamlined life where you can deeply focus

on creative work, passions, and the freedom to do what you

want without having to accommodate a partner.

If you believe your entire identity or happiness depends

on being with someone, that is a profoundly limiting story.

While dominant cultural narratives suggest otherwise,

there is far more to life than being part of a couple.