Popular Advice Ruining Your Perspective on Relationships
The dating world is a tricky, confusing mess,
made even more complicated by the prevalence of social media.
While it is fascinating how ideas spread online,
it becomes dangerous when opinions are solicited as universal advice.
Most people often take this information at face value
without pausing to process
or think critically about the nuance of human relationships.
The Pitfalls of “If They Wanted To, They Would”
One of the most notorious pieces of advice floating
around social media is: “If they wanted to, they would.”
At a surface level, this sounds like sound advice—it acts as a litmus test
for value and suggests that if someone truly valued you,
they would already be putting in the effort.
However, this mentality is only effective when taken in a vacuum.
It fails to consider the necessary context of human relationships
and often feeds off your own insecurities,
leading to hasty, negative conclusions.
- Misinterpreting Intent: You might assume a lack of communication means a lack of care. In reality, a partner might be busy, inexperienced with relationships, or unsure of what to say, leading them to hold back to avoid making things awkward.
- The Importance of Communication: Simply because a partner has not performed a certain gesture does not mean they aren’t willing; they may simply not know it is important to you. Everyone expresses and feels affection differently.
- Shutting Down Conflict: This mentality effectively shuts down healthy conflict and communication. Expecting a partner to intuitively know exactly what you need is entitled; if you haven’t verbally expressed your needs, you are not being fair to the relationship.
Questioning “The Bare Minimum”
A common argument associated with the
“if they wanted to, they would” mentality is that you shouldn’t
have to ask for the “bare minimum.”
But what constitutes the bare minimum is entirely subjective.
- While loyalty is generally an objective expectation, other behaviors—like how much quality time you need, how you receive compliments, or how you communicate—are not.
- If “the bare minimum” were an objective binary truth, relationship arguments would not exist.
- You must ask yourself: Are you truly asking for the bare minimum, or are you asking them to love you in the specific way you want to be loved? The former may indicate a problem with the partner, but the latter is simply a healthy necessity for clear communication.
The Danger of Social Media Romanticization
Social media has over-romanticized relationships,
blurring the line between having healthy standards
and falling into delusion.
- The “Perfect Partner” Delusion: It has led people to believe that the right person will intuitively know everything about them and provide exactly what they need at all times.
- Love as “Easy”: There is a conditioning to think that true love is supposed to feel good and come easy, leading people to label any conflict as a sign that the person is wrong for them.
- The Highlight Reel vs. Reality: Social media feeds you a filtered version of relationships—couples acting like saints, bringing flowers, and never arguing. It fails to show the unseen effort, the difficult disagreements, and the moments of doubt that actually build a strong foundation.
What people often label as “red flags”
online may be the natural growing pains of a relationship.
These moments can be the catalyst that strengthens a bond
and transforms it into something lasting.
Build a Beautiful Garden
Instead of chasing butterflies that may simply fly away,
focus on building the best version of yourself.
If you surrender your happiness to the external world,
you are setting yourself up for failure if that external source
doesn’t meet your expectations.
Take control of what you can—your hobbies, your creative skills,
and your personal development.
If you don’t know where to start, seek out platforms
like Skillshare to learn new skills or develop passions.
Your after-work hours are not leftovers;
they are an opportunity to cultivate a fulfilling life.
If you spend your time building a “beautiful garden,”
the butterflies will come—and even if they don’t,
you will still have the garden.
