If You’re Always Seeking Validation From Others, Read THIS!

The Source of Your Self-Esteem

Who is in charge of how you feel about yourself today?

For many, the honest answer is that external factors—like bosses,

spouses, or colleagues—determine their sense of worth.

However, healthy self-esteem is incredibly liberating

and comes entirely from the inside out.

Finding peace between your ears and feeling comfortable

in your own skin is a major life achievement,

and most people have to be taught how to do it.

Your worth and well-being are things you are born with.

You are no better and no worse than the imperfect people

to your left or right.

Once you stop feeling like you have to earn your worth,

lovability, and connection, you can finally rest.

You can accept that you are a good, flawed person

who makes mistakes.

When you do make a mistake, you can simply try to make amends

without spiraling into a shame attack or beating yourself up.

Inside-Out vs. Outside-In Self-Esteem

Inside-out self-esteem means accepting your flaws

and realizing you do not have to be superhuman.

You have nothing to be high and mighty about,

and nothing to feel unworthy, defective, or unlovable about.

You are simply doing your best, just like everyone else.

This mindset brings profound internal richness and stability.

If you lack this internal core stability,

you will naturally do whatever you can to feel good,

leading you to supplement your lack of internal worth with

“outside-in” self-esteem.

This means filtering your sense of well-being through

someone else’s connection to you.

You essentially use their warmth

and regard like a self-esteem dialysis machine:

• If they think you are a good person, you think you are a good person.
• If they get mad and walk away, your sense of goodness leaves with them, and you experience an emotional crash because you do not have that worth anchored from the inside out.

The Trap of Love Dependency

In intimate relationships, relying entirely on another person

to feel good about yourself is called love dependency.

Those with an anxious attachment style often aggressively pursue

this external validation.

When the validation is flowing, all is well with the world.

But if there is a disruption and that external validation is removed,

the resulting emotional crash can feel devastating.

For those who experienced emotional or physical abandonment

in childhood, this crash can feel like death itself.

However, it is important to remember that adults do not get

abandoned—children get abandoned.

If a partner storms off, the adult part of you may just feel lonely

or find it unpleasant,

but the inner child feels like the world is ending.

Having an outsized reaction when external validation disappears

is a clear sign that you have inner work to do.

How External Validation Manifests in Daily Life

The need for external validation is not limited to romantic relationships.

It shows up across various areas of life:

• Parenting: Many parents are dependent on their children’s warm regard, making it incredibly hard for them to set limits because they cannot bear their kids being mad at them. (It is healthy to let your kids be mad at you).
• Careers: Professionals often rely heavily on validation from their peers, colleagues, or an audience to feel a sense of intrinsic greatness.

When you do not feel intrinsically great about yourself

and someone else stops feeling good about you, trouble arises.

You might get depressed and blame yourself,

withdraw to find validation elsewhere, get mad and retaliate,

or become controlling to try and win them back.

Building Healthier Relationships

Needing someone to give you warm regard just so you can feel good

is not a healthy basis for a relationship.

A healthy dynamic requires two freestanding individuals

who choose to share with each other,

rather than someone who is dependent on another’s love

and regard just to feel okay.

As the old saying goes, you cannot truly love someone unless

you love yourself.

If you are depending on them for your self-worth,

you are not loving them—you are depending on them,

and they can feel that heavy burden.

Learn to love yourself first, and you will become more loving

to the people you care about,

without actually needing them to validate your existence.

There is great liberation in that.