How to Resist Becoming Emotionally Attached Too Quickly
In major life decisions, such as buying a house or a business,
buyers always expect a due diligence period.
They use this time to figure out exactly what they are dealing
with before handing over their money.
Dating requires the exact same restraint.
The first six months of a relationship should be treated strictly
as a due diligence period.
It typically takes at least six months to reach the
“crisis of disillusionment.”
This is the point where the projected fantasy of a person
is finally shattered by the reality of who they actually are.
Emotionally investing in someone before you can see their
true character is the equivalent of gambling
without learning the rules of the game.
The Dangers of Early Investment
Allowing yourself to become emotionally attached
before a person has been properly vetted
is dangerous for two reasons:
- The Conflict Between Head and Heart: If you emotionally invest in someone who turns out to be of poor moral character, you will eventually be forced to choose between your head and your heart. You will have to choose between what is right for you and the person you have already chosen to love. This position causes immense emotional suffering.
- The Adorer vs. Adored Dynamics: Investing too soon places you into the role of the “adorer” and places the woman into the role of the “adored.” This dynamic robs a relationship of the romantic experience most people seek and significantly damages attraction. If you are looking up at someone, they are forced to look down on you, and it is incredibly difficult to sustain love and respect for someone you look down on.
Maintaining a Relationship Poker Face
Handling early relationships is highly comparable
to playing a hand of poker.
If you are dealt excellent cards like pocket aces,
jumping out of your chair and changing your betting behavior
before you even see the flop will ruin your advantage.
Even in an advantageous position,
you have to put on your best poker face.
You must keep a tight rein on your emotions,
stick to your system, and refuse to let your internal feelings
dictate or change your outward behavior.
Three Strategies to Resist Emotional Attachment
Premature emotional attachment is driven by three behaviors:
mental obsession, constant communication,
and over-vulnerability.
To protect yourself, you must actively counteract these habits.
Guard Your Thoughts.
When a person is not physically present,
intentionally stop yourself from thinking about them.
Replaying how they looked, replaying encounters,
or fantasizing about the future creates
a mental construct in your own consciousness.
You end up training yourself to fall in love with an ideal rather
than the actual person.
When your mind wanders, actively redirect your attention
to your work, your friends, your fitness,
or whatever is right in front of you.
Control the Cadence of Communication.
If you have only known someone for a few weeks,
you should not be texting all day, every day.
Constant communication artificially accelerates emotional intimacy.
When you respond instantly to every single message,
you allow the other person to completely dictate the cadence
of the interaction, causing you to slip into their frame.
Get back to them when you choose to,
and let them handle their own emotional responses to the wait.
Avoid Inappropriate Disclosure
Do not use early, long dates to share your deepest
childhood traumas, relationship histories, or secret wishes.
You do not yet know this person well enough to know
what they will do with that sensitive information.
As a rule of thumb, if you are not yet ready to trust someone
with your actual bank account information,
you are not ready to be that vulnerable with your heart.
Recovering from a toxic relationship is far more difficult
than recovering from being financially robbed.
Keep early interactions focused on being two consenting
adults enjoying each other’s company until safety
and loyalty are thoroughly proven.
