How to Choose Friends, Colleagues, and Lovers

A person’s ego consists of multiple variables ranging from

macro cultural influences to micro personal experiences.

On a macro level, nations and cultures frequently

peg their collective ego to a historic

high watermark rather than their current reality.

• Mongolia: Many citizens hold deep national pride tied to Genghis Khan conquering the Eurasian landmass a thousand years ago, despite current economic challenges and having a lower GDP per capita than neighboring developing countries.
• Iran: People often prefer to be identified as Persian to associate with the prestigious historic empire rather than the modern state.
• France: Cultural pride is frequently tied to the height of Napoleonic influence two centuries ago, leading to persistent national aloofness despite modern economic decline.

When people tie their self-image to a past peak,

an artificial gap emerges between their actual present value

and the size of their ego.

The Ego-to-Value Ratio

A calibrated sense of self can be visualized on a chart comparing ego against value:

• Fair Calibration (1:1 Ratio): A person whose ego directly matches their real-world value falls along the central line. Their self-assessment is fair and accurate.
• Arrogance: When an individual’s ego exceeds their current value, they enter the arrogant zone. They price themselves higher than what they actually deliver.
• Humility: When an individual’s value exceeds their ego, they fall into the humble zone, pricing themselves below their real worth.

The difference between arrogance and confidence comes

down to actual value. If an elite athlete like Michael Jordan

confidently states he can win another championship

after already proving his capability, it is not viewed as arrogance;

his high ego matches his high output.

When people misjudge you, they often miscalculate your

value rather than your ego.

If you must err slightly, erring toward confidence

or mild arrogance can sometimes provide an advantage.

First impressions carry weight, and projecting confidence

can set higher expectations and motivate you to perform.

A clear indicator of ego calibration is the classic driving survey:

statistically, only 50% of people can be above average,

yet roughly 80% of Americans rate themselves as above-average drivers.

By contrast, only 43% of Canadians make that claim,

reflecting a more modest baseline self-assessment.

Theoretical Value vs. Practical Reality

Society often portrays human value as a steadily rising line

that climbs through education

and career milestones before plateauing comfortably in old age.

Careers like medicine are prized because they seem

to follow this predictable upward trajectory.

In reality, a person’s practical societal and economic value follows a parabolic curve:

• Variance in Peaks: People peak at different times. An athlete may peak in their twenties, while a corporate professional may peak in their forties or fifties.
• Cognitive and Physical Decline: Past a certain age, biological realities take over. Cognitive processing slows, learning new systems becomes harder, and overall output tends to decline.
• The Reality of Aging: Despite societal narratives that equate older age with automatically increasing value, workplace realities often show that aging workers become more tired, slower to adapt, and less agile with emerging technologies.

The Lagging Ego Problem

While real-world value follows a parabola that peaks

and eventually declines, human ego behaves differently.

The ego closely tracks value on the way up,

but once an individual reaches their peak,

the ego remains elevated at that historic high watermark.

Even when people make minor adjustments,

the ego rarely drops enough to reflect a decline in present output.

This dynamic creates individuals who operate like

the stereotypical past-peak athlete or former high-school star:

their present capabilities have declined,

but everyone around them is forced to deal with an ego calibrated

to achievements from years or decades earlier.

Applying Ego Calibration to Real Relationships

Understanding the lag between ego

and current value provides a practical framework

for evaluating personal and professional relationships.

Choosing Friends

Human beings assess one another largely through

appearance, resources, and social status.

When a friend perceives themselves as superior to you,

they will inevitably demand an asymmetric dynamic:

• They expect you to provide more favors, adapt to their schedule, or tolerate flakiness and disrespect.
• Avoid investing in friendships with people whose egos are anchored to past, unrepeatable successes, as their inflated self-image often breeds condescending behavior.
• The hidden advantage in building friendships is finding people whose ego is underpriced—individuals with exceptional intelligence, talent, or character who remain humble due to their background and past struggles.

Choosing Colleagues and Hires

The same principle applies to workplace teams and hiring:

• Seek Underpriced Talent: Look for hungry, highly capable individuals from modest backgrounds who feel the need to prove themselves. They consistently outwork entitled candidates who possess prestigious pedigrees but minimal drive.
• The Risk of Past-Peak Experience: Older or highly established workers often demand expensive compensation based on past achievements. Furthermore, they may actively resist new methods or software to keep their outdated experience relevant, stalling progress for the entire organization.
• Ruthless Meritocracy vs. Seniority Traps: Cultures that promote individuals purely based on age or seniority often stagnate because high salaries are paid to declining assets who resist innovation. Sustainable organizations prioritize current capability, hungry newcomers, and objective merit over deference to past prestige.

Choosing Romantic Partners

In romantic relationships, partnering with someone

whose ego is stuck at a past peak creates friction:

• Individuals whose desirability has declined over time often maintain inflated expectations, refusing to adjust their standards to match reality and demanding disproportionate effort from a partner.
• The ideal partner is someone whose present value far exceeds their self-perception—such as an individual who developed strong character, discipline, and humility early in life, and later blossomed in ability or appearance while maintaining their grounded, humble nature.