How to Be a Man: Essential and Performative Masculinity
1. The Identity Crisis and Performative Masculinity
A hundred years ago, asking how to be a man would
be ludicrous because everyone knew the answer.
In modern times, there is an identity crisis in men.
Many forms of masculinity, such as machismo,
are fairly complex because they are performances of
an unwritten etiquette with evolving rules and standards.
This form of masculinity, much like femininity,
is essentially performative.
Neither is a natural suite of behaviors;
each is an expression of a particular time and place.
These forms of masculinity can be learned,
and the skillful execution of their respective behaviors expresses
and confirms status.
Many answers on the internet regarding how to be a man correspond
with performative masculinity.
There are things you can do to signify your status with props,
costumes, and postures, such as:
- Grow a beard
- Lift heavy stuff
- Start a business
- Go fishing or hunting
- Learn to start a fire
- Learn to drive a manual transmission
- Learn to fight or shoot a gun
- Drink beer and appreciate whiskey
2. The Problem with Performative Masculinity
There is nothing inherently wrong with those activities;
many sound fun and could prove beneficial.
However, defining masculinity essentially as a suite of behaviors
or a performance is flawed.
What it means to be a man is very simple
and only marginally associated with what you do or what you look like.
You do not need to be performatively masculine,
work in a highly masculinized profession,
or engage in stereotypical manly activities to be extremely masculine.
3. The Two Essential Ingredients of a Man
To be a man is very simple. You need only two things:
- You need a spine.
- You need a pair (courage).
This is not literal. It means having a spine and a pair figuratively.
It is simple, but not necessarily easy.
4. Having a Spine: Knowing What You Believe
Having a spine means that you are willing to stand up.
Anatomically, you need a spine to stand erect.
Figuratively, you need a spine to stand up for what you believe
to be true, which is, in your heart of hearts, who you are.
This presupposes that you actually know what you believe to be true,
which is not easy.
Most of the things in your head were put there by other people,
and a lot of that is total garbage.
For most people, it takes years of patient self-study to learn
what they believe.
Many older men do not know what their values are,
do not know what they believe to be true,
and consequently do not know who they are.
You cannot stand up for something
if you do not know what that something is.
5. The Risks of Casting a Shadow
Having a spine also lets you know where you stand
in relation to the universe.
As soon as you stand up, you cast a shadow,
which situates you in a specific place.
Unless you are completely in line with the light,
there is no way to avoid casting a shadow.
As soon as you make it known who you are and what you believe in,
you will attract an antithetical element in opposition to that.
People will disagree with you, disapprove of you,
and some will despise you.
The taller you stand, the more some people will
threaten, attack, and seek to destroy you.
This is part of the risk of standing up and having a spine,
which is why we respect people who stand up for
what is right despite the personal risk.
The alternative—remaining spineless—means you go through life
never really knowing who you are or what you believe in.
6. Having a Pair: Willingness to Suffer the Risk
It often happens that some people do know who they are
and what they believe in,
but they are never able to find their place in the world
because they aren’t willing to stand up from their hiding places.
Doing so requires the second ingredient.
Having a pair means that you are willing to suffer the risk associated
with being a specific individual with values and beliefs.
It means:
- Putting your money where your mouth is.
- Not caring whether people agree or disagree with you.
- Not caring whether people approve or disapprove of you.
- If necessary, putting your money, relationships, career, status, reputation, and even your life on the line in the service of what you believe to be true.
If you have a spine with no courage to back it up,
you spend your life hiding from your friends,
your romantic partners, and ultimately yourself.
7. Respect and the True Definition of a Man
While you cannot force someone to respect you,
you can significantly increase the probability of garnering respect
by having a spine and growing a pair.
People respect those who are willing to hold the line
and stand up for what they believe in, regardless of the consequences.
Paradoxically, people like those who don’t seem to care
whether they are liked or not, and typically have neither respect
nor appreciation for those who do things purely to be liked.
If you know who you are, what you believe to be true,
and if you are willing to stand up and risk it all in the service
of those beliefs and your mission, then you are a man.
You do not need the performative markers of masculinity.
If you have all the performative traits but lack a spine and courage,
you are not a man.
If you lack the performative traits but have a spine and courage,
you are a full-fledged man.
