What Happens When the Narcissist Loses Control Over You?
This article explores the common reactions
and behaviors of a narcissistic person
whenever their tactics no longer work.
When they have been exposed or feel they no longer have the control
they once had, they often react poorly.
Narcissists value themselves based on how others admire
and pander to them.
They have a poor sense of self and require constant validation.
When they lose control, they often resort to specific behaviors
to regain power or punish the person who has escaped their grip.
1. The Fake Apology
Believe it or not, they might actually apologize.
However, this is rarely about genuine remorse.
- Sorry for the Consequences: They are likely sorry they are being abandoned or that others can now see them as they truly are, rather than being sorry for the pain they caused.
- The “But” Excuse: Apologies often come with caveats like, “It’s my anxiety,” “It’s my addiction,” or “I’m sorry, but remember what you did 10 years ago?”
- Short-Lived Change: Even if the apology sounds sincere, the improved behavior usually lasts only a moment—a day or a week—before they revert to old patterns.
2. Denial and Gaslighting
If a narcissist gets caught, they generally will not admit the truth.
If they cannot admit errors to themselves,
they certainly won’t admit them to you.
- False Accusations: They will twist things you have said or done, or claim you did things you never did.
- Deliberate Misinterpretation: They deliberately misinterpret your intentions to make you doubt yourself.
- Passive-Aggression: Covert narcissists are particularly skilled at being passive-aggressive while acting humble or contrite to manipulate your perception of reality.
3. Contacting Your Social Circle
If they haven’t already isolated you,
they may start contacting your friends, family, or colleagues.
- Feigned Concern: They might reach out saying, “I’m really concerned about them; I haven’t heard from them in a long time.”
- Infiltration: They may suddenly join clubs or groups you are part of to mix with your friends and show that they are “decent people,” contradicting your experience.
- Flying Monkeys: This turns your social circle into agents who feed them information and intimidates you by showing they are still present in your life.
4. Projection of Guilt
They project their own negative emotions onto the victim,
trying to manipulate you into taking responsibility
for their bad behavior.
- Dumping Pain: All their internal pain, guilt, and shame are dumped onto you.
- Pleading for Pity: They can be incredibly persistent—pleading, crying, or feigning illness—until you apologize for how you feel or even for not tolerating their abuse.
- The Analogy: A fitting expression is: “They wet the bed and blame the blanket.”
5. Nasty and Vindictive Behavior
Narcissists feel entitled, which means they believe
their victims deserve punishment for seeing through them.
- Teaching a Lesson: They may become consumed with “teaching you a lesson” for daring to escape their control.
- Destructive Acts: This can manifest as violence, property damage, spreading vicious rumors, or withholding support and resources to reestablish power.
6. Creating a Trauma Bond
If they can’t trick or threaten you,
they will try to create or strengthen a trauma bond.
- Dependency: They may exploit financial dependency, children, or illness to make it difficult for you to leave.
- Normalization: They try to normalize toxic patterns so that you feel unable to assert autonomy. They will use every tool at their disposal to ensure you remain tethered to them.
Summary
Narcissism is destructive by nature.
It destroys relationships from the inside,
and when it can no longer do that,
it tries to destroy them from the outside.
Recognizing these patterns—from fake apologies
to vindictive lash-outs—is crucial when dealing
with a narcissist who feels they are losing control.
