How To Get Over An Ex: The Two Best Strategies

Getting over an ex is something that you can and should do.

Spending too much time in a state of heartbreak

and hopeless yearning yields nothing good.

To move through this painful period as quickly as possible,

you must understand that there are really only two effective strategies.

One is much more intense than the other,

but they both ultimately arrive at the same outcome.

Strategy 1: Exposure

Exposure works by presenting the stimulus so many times that it loses

its emotional salience and becomes neutral.

It is similar to saying a word over and over again until it loses

its meaning and just becomes a sound.

If you are stalking an ex on social media after a breakup

and see a picture of them with someone new,

it will likely feel like a knife through the heart,

triggering panic and desperation.

This intense reaction happens because you are seeing just one picture

after a period of separation.

Implementing an exposure protocol means looking at that picture,

and pictures like it, many times over in a short time frame.

• This technique is called flooding.
• Behavioral therapists use this to overcome phobias (e.g., curing a fear of pickles by sitting in a bathtub full of them until the fear response is exhausted).
• The technique is extremely effective but also extremely uncomfortable.

You will know this worked when you can look at

a picture of your ex with their new partner and feel nothing,

not because you are holding it together,

but because it literally no longer evokes an emotional response.

Strategy 2: Extinction (No Contact)

Extinction is the recommended strategy in most cases.

The point of extinction is also to arrive at emotional neutrality,

but it is accomplished by completely eliminating any form

of engagement with the person in question.

This is commonly referred to as “no contact.”

No contact means you do not:

• Call or text them.
• Write them letters.
• Hang around their usual spots hoping to bump into them.

Cognitive Extinction

Eliminating behavioral contact is just the tip of the iceberg.

The most important contact that must be eliminated is contact

with the cognitive version of that person.

• Do not stalk them on social media.
• Do not look over old pictures of the two of you together.
• Do not replay memories of your time together.
• Do not fantasize about what they might be doing now.

Cognitive extinctions are even more important

than their behavioral equivalents.

You could stop chasing an ex but still think about them every day

for years, which significantly extends recovery time.

The goal is to completely remove exposure to the stimulus

so that the paired emotions eventually die out.

Note: “Completely” is not optional.

If you do no contact for a while and then relapse into exposure,

you not only set yourself back,

but you establish an intermittent reinforcement schedule

(a process addiction).

If you choose extinction, you must go all the way.

Block and Replace

The process of extinction is difficult because trying not to think

about someone inevitably makes your mind present

that person to you.

Therefore, extinction must be accompanied by a strategy called

“block and replace.”

• Block: Firmly resist the cognition. Tell yourself, “No, we’re not thinking about her anymore. We’re moving on.”
• Replace: Replace the thought with something else to balance the scales.

How to Replace Idealized Thoughts

If you tend to romanticize the past relationship

or idealize the person once they are gone,

create a thought replacement tool:

1. Sit down with pen and paper and write a list of all the less-than-flattering things about this person.
2. Write down all their flaws, faults, and shortcomings, and provide examples (e.g., times they were inconsistent, flaky, selfish, manipulative, or difficult).
3. Take a picture of this list, keep the physical paper in your wallet, and keep the picture on your phone.

Whenever an idealized memory or fantasy pops into your mind,

block it, pull out your list,

and force yourself to focus on those unlovable traits.

It will feel uncomfortable,

but it is necessary because you have been harboring a one-sided,

unrealistic idea of this individual.

Focusing on the negative experiences balances the scales,

helping you remember why the breakup happened in the first place.

The Ultimate Reality Check

No matter how attractive your ex was or how good they looked on paper,

it is a good thing they are out of your life. Why?

Because they did not want to stay with you.

No matter how perfect you objectively believed they were,

they were not perfect for you.

Regardless of whether you use exposure or extinction,

you will know you have succeeded when you can see evidence

of your ex moving on without experiencing an emotional reaction.

At the very least, you will feel nothing, and at most,

you will feel happy for them.

Eventually, you will look back and realize that the end of that

relationship was very likely a blessing in disguise.