7 Signs You Have A Fear of Intimacy
We spend years trying to figure out where our hearts belong,
and when we finally know the answer,
we sometimes can’t help but run away in fear.
To be emotionally vulnerable with someone isn’t for the faint of heart.
Having a fear of intimacy is perfectly understandable,
especially if you have a history of failed relationships
and emotionally distant or absentee parents.
It leads us to pushing away those we love most,
often without meaning to.
We constantly doubt the stability and security of our relationships.
We waste so much time stewing in indecision
that we miss our chance to be with them.
With that said, here are 7 telltale signs you may be suffering
from a fear of intimacy.
1. You’re Afraid of Abandonment
Oftentimes, a fear of intimacy stems from a deep-seated
and unresolved fear of abandonment.
Those who grew up with neglectful parents
and have an anxious-avoidant attachment style
are most likely to develop this fear.
With this fear at the back of your mind,
you learn to adopt a positive view of yourself
but a negative view of others, thinking
“the only person I can ever truly count on is myself.”
You think that it’s always better to leave
before you’re the one who’s left behind,
and so you’re reluctant to let people in and struggle
with long-term commitment.
2. You’re Fiercely Independent
There is nothing wrong with being independent. Of course,
it’s good to be competent, knowledgeable, and self-sufficient.
But you should also know how to ask for help when you need it.
If you’re too independent, you will try to do everything
on your own because you take pride in never needing
anything from anyone.
In a lot of ways, it’s what makes you feel in control of your own life
and enables you to keep your emotional distance from people.
By never allowing yourself to depend on them or need them,
you are feeding your fear of intimacy
by making sure you never have to succumb to having others
fulfill your needs. Your independence gives you freedom
by keeping everyone at arm’s length.
3. You Always Fall for the Wrong Ones
Do you have a history of falling in love with all the wrong guys or girls?
Do you find yourself attracted to people
who are emotionally unavailable or distant in some way,
or maybe abusive, rude, or unfaithful?
Picking unhealthy partners is a common characteristic seen
in those who have a fear of intimacy
because it allows them to avoid getting too close to a person
or ever having a stable or secure future with them.
You might find damaged, aloof,
or complicated people more appealing
because you want to avoid intimacy,
and thus end up rejecting the ones who are actually more
sincere to commit.
4. You Tend to Be Flaky
Being flaky means to be inconsistent in our behavior towards others,
so when people get too close to you,
your first instinct is to push people away.
Do you sometimes ghost your friends after spending
a lot of quality time with them?
Have you ever opened up to your partner about something deep
and personal,
but then stopped calling and talking to them for a few days?
These behaviors show that having an honest emotional connection
with someone scares you,
so you try to keep your distance and stop yourself from getting
too attached to them.
Since they have come too close for your comfort,
you run in the opposite direction to nullify any budding connection
and to keep yourself from getting hurt.
5. You’re a Perfectionist
It’s normal to want the people you love to think well of you,
but you shouldn’t try to show them the perfect version
of yourself all the time.
If you’re a perfectionist, chances are you’ll have a hard time letting
others see your shortcomings and your flaws.
You’re afraid you’ll be rejected because of them,
or maybe you don’t even want to admit to yourself that you have them.
You tend to intimidate people by always putting up a perfect front,
making others reluctant to approach you as they find it hard
to match your level.
This facade keeps everyone at bay,
but it’s important that you learn how to be open and vulnerable
with the people you care about
and that you trust them enough to let them see your flaws.
6. You’re a Workaholic
When you’re practically married to your job,
it barely leaves room in your life for any kind of relationship whatsoever.
Maybe you’re pouring so much of yourself into your job
because you want to deflect your focus away from your personal issues
and avoid having to confront them.
You use your job and how you’re “too busy doing it”
as an excuse for not being able to form or maintain healthy
and lasting relationships.
People who are afraid of intimacy often throw themselves into their work
to avoid having to commit to something serious,
so if you’re a workaholic, ask yourself if this is the reason why.
7. You Sabotage Your Relationships
It goes without saying, of course,
that people who are afraid of intimacy will often sabotage
their own relationships.
This is why having this kind of fear can be so destructive,
because it robs you of the opportunity to have happy, stable,
and functional relationships.
You may be doing it unknowingly by failing to communicate well
or not expressing your feelings to others,
or you might be deliberately doing things you know could hurt
or upset the ones you love.
In fact, studies show that people who cheat on their partners often
do so because they have a fear of intimacy.
Well, it’s easy to see why being afraid of intimacy
and commitment can keep us from being happy.
It’s harder to change when we’re already so set in our ways.
Painful memories, messy breakups, and unhappy early
childhood experiences can leave us with a lot of emotional baggage
we’ll likely have to work through for years to come.
But it doesn’t always have to be that way.
There’s no need to let these negative experiences define you
and keep haunting you for the rest of your life.
With diligence and support, you have the power to overcome
your fear of intimacy and commit to a healthy,
emotionally fulfilling relationship.
The first step, however, is to simply recognize the signs.
