50 Reasons to Keep Living

On this day five years ago, I tried to take my own life.

Today, a half-decade since that moment,

I find myself not only physically very far away from that environment

but also in a very different state of mind.

The past five years have not been easy,

but the memories I’ve made, whether good or bad,

have been beautiful all the same.

Somewhere in between those moments, I found my own reasons to stay.

The Journey to Here (Based on someone else’s experience)

The first time I remember wanting to die was in third grade, at age 10.

Our family had moved away from Tokyo,

the only home I really remembered,

and landed in the suburban Midwest,

where my elementary school experience was filled with explicit racism,

and I constantly felt like I didn’t belong.

When I said I wanted to die,

I was told that I was being dramatic

and too young to feel that way.

Instead, I learned to hide the way I really felt.

Depression and anxiety continued to follow me throughout

middle school and into high school.

Sometimes I was okay; other times,

I participated in the productivity paradigm to stave off feelings

of worthlessness, self-hatred, and sadness.

My days were spent distracting myself.

Then came my first year of high school.

I found a supportive fan group, enjoyed my classes,

and escaped the hell of American Middle School.

Just as I felt like I was in a good place, March 13, 2020, happened.

When the news of two weeks off school broke,

everyone around me celebrated what they thought would be

an extra-long spring break. I sat in the corner, holding back tears.

I had a bad feeling it would be longer than two weeks,

and I feared losing the community progress I had built up around me.

I had used community to get better,

and in a matter of days, we were all separated

and isolated in our homes.

I lost all physical contact with the people

I was dependent upon for my mental health.

While I turned to FaceTime and Zoom calls to try to fill that gap,

it wasn’t the same. I tried vlogging to have something to do

and attempted to enjoy the time off,

but it was a near-impossible task when the loneliness

of quarantine was eating away at me.

As constant proximity to my large family began to get on my nerves,

I stopped leaving my room,

choosing instead to lie in the dark all day,

alone with just my thoughts.

With my family choosing to be extra cautious about COVID,

we minimized interaction with the outside world.

It was months before I could see my friends in person.

Even after many of my peers returned to in-person classes,

it seemed like the pandemic would never end,

and I was lonelier than ever.

All I felt was a constant state of sadness. I was numb.

It felt like there was really only one way out.

That was April 5, 2021.

Finding Reasons to Stay

Since that day, it has been five years,

and those five years have not been easy.

My depression has not magically disappeared;

I’m relying on medication to manage it,

and I still struggle with many of the same thoughts, processes,

and habits from my past.

Depressive episodes are just a normal part of my life.

But something changed. Since 2021,

which I would describe as one of the lowest years of my life,

I’ve learned to find joy in little things and gratitude in every

moment that brings me happiness

because they are all moments I might not have experienced

had that April day gone differently.

A year after the fact, my high school friend group

and I spent our lunch break celebrating my one-year

“survivalversary” with a cake from the local grocery store.

Somehow, five years later, I find myself here.

I’m 21, an age I never thought I would reach,

halfway across the world in South Korea on my semester abroad.

It hasn’t been an easy trip. I’m grieving the loss

of a family member and processing a breakup after four years of dating,

so my time in Seoul has been emotional and difficult.

But it has also reminded me of how much gratitude

I have that I get to experience the entire spectrum—good

and bad—because I’m still here.

Five years later, reflecting on how I got here

and all the people that made me want to stay,

I wanted to share 50 of the many reasons I’m glad I kept going.

50 Reasons to Keep Living

1. There are so many beautiful sunsets you haven’t seen yet.
2. The flowers bloom in the springtime.
3. Delicious home-cooked meals.
4. You’ll get to a beautiful college filled with incredible people.
5. Snow days.
6. There are so many museums waiting for you to discover what’s inside.
7. A really good cup of matcha.
8. You’ll miss out on celebrating your friends’ birthdays.
9. Karaoke with your friends.
10. You haven’t met your online best friend yet. Meeting Mal in person after years of online friendship was so fun.
11. Making new Japanese friends during my study abroad.
12. You’ll reconnect with childhood friends and make close friendships you might have missed out on.
13. Fluffy stuffed animals.
14. So many beautiful places are waiting for you to come visit.
15. Your little sister needs you.
16. Getting to pick out a dress for high school prom.
17. You haven’t gotten through your incredibly long reading list yet.
18. Quality time with your grandparents.
19. A hot bath.
20. The magic of the holiday season.
21. There are so many concerts you have yet to see.
22. You get to compete in world championships and watch your sister win gold.
23. Autumn foliage.
24. You’ll miss out on quality time with your family.
25. Jazz music and going to your first jazz club.
26. There are so many languages you have yet to learn.
27. Decorating your room and personalizing it.
28. Cozy little cafes.
29. Fresh flowers from the farmers’ market.
30. Finally being able to buy that item you’ve saved up for so long.
31. Your plants need to be watered.
32. Have you told your mom every single detail you love about her?
33. The smell of rain.
34. Warm, fluffy bread.
35. You’ll get to see bison in the national parks.
36. Nourishing food made in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant.
37. The beach.
38. The satisfaction of filling up a journal.
39. Getting to cheer on your friends in their passions.
40. You haven’t gotten that piercing or dyed your hair that color yet.
41. So many dogs and cats to pet.
42. Your favorite artist might release new music soon.
43. You haven’t watched your siblings grow up yet.
44. Fresh fruit.
45. Photo booths with friends.
46. You don’t know what new hobbies you’ll discover along the way (like scenic runs across Seoul).
47. You’ll get to experience the study abroad of your dreams.
48. You’ll discover board game cafes and spend incredible afternoons with your friends.
49. You’ll start an incredible D&D campaign with your best friend.
50. Your best friend, who isn’t unfamiliar with loss, will help you edit the script for this video 5 years after you survive your suicide attempt.

Every single person is so valuable, even if they don’t feel like it. Remember to be gentle with yourself and take things easy.