3 Psychological Hacks to STOP Obsessing over someone

If you have ever felt like you are obsessed with someone,

pause for a moment and truly listen.

This might be one of the most crucial realizations you will come across.

It is a common misconception that when we are obsessed with someone,

it is all about them—the magnetic attraction,

the constant thoughts, their charm, their sense of humor,

or the way they look.

In reality, it is not purely about the other person.

What we are truly experiencing is less about them

and more about the unmet needs

or desires within us that this person represents.

What Obsession Really Represents

This obsession is less about who the person is

and more about what they symbolize.

Idealization: They might represent the idea of being in love, being loved, or being in a perfect relationship.
Validation: Through them, you might experience the warmth of affection you missed out on as a child or the validation your mind subconsciously craves.
Self-Completion: They might signify evidence that you are lovable. Whenever you are together, you might be a version of yourself you wish you could be (more confident, funnier, more adventurous). They might appear to be the solution to a lingering emptiness or void within you.

Out of the billions of adults in the world,

there could be 1, 2, or 10 different people who represent these

same aspects and fulfill these same unmet needs.

The “Features vs. Feelings” Framework

To overcome this obsession,

you must differentiate the person from the unmet needs they fulfill.

Here is a simple and effective exercise

called the Features vs. Feelings Framework.

Step 1: The Features List

Take a sheet of paper and write the heading “Features:

Who they are and what they do.”

Write down the attributes of the person you are obsessed with,

such as:

Personality quirks or habits.
How they treat you.
Specific traits (e.g., “We have the same sense of humor,” “They are kind,” “They write thoughtful letters”).

Step 2: The Feelings List

Take a second sheet of paper and write the heading “Feelings:

What they represent.”

Note down what this person symbolizes emotionally in your life.

Translate Features to Feelings: If you wrote “Listens to me” on the first sheet, ask yourself how that makes you feel. You might write, “Makes me feel understood and valued.”
Identify the Craving: While the act of listening is appreciated, what you deeply crave is the sense of validation. They might represent feeling worthy, complete, safe, or happy.

Step 3: The Rip

Now, take the first sheet (Features) and rip it up into tiny pieces.

The Reality: There will be others in the world who are funny, kind, or caring. The person you are obsessed with does not exclusively own these attributes.
The Focus: Keep the second sheet. It is crucial to focus on the feelings and desires you projected onto them. Your worth, completeness, and happiness do not live in the other person; they live within you.

Taking Action: Inner Work

Complete freedom comes when you find ways to give yourself

what you once sought from them.

Self-Worth: If you feel unworthy or incomplete on your own, that is where your inner work lies.

Validation: Recognize that your value does not depend on what someone else thinks; it can be based on self-respect and self-appreciation.

Recommended Resources

Whatever the other person represented,

start to explore those themes through books and therapy.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello: Highly recommended audiobook for its powerful way of connecting with the audience.
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach: Focuses on embracing imperfections and understanding self-worth.
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant: A short, poignant read on the transformative power of self-love.

Podcasts: Check out interviews with Esther Perel, Brené Brown, Michael Singer, or Gabor Maté.

Summary

This journey of self-awareness

and self-love is the most profound one you can embark upon.

Every moment of self-discovery brings you closer

to the most important relationship you will ever have:

the one with yourself.

As you learn to value yourself, you become a beacon for others,

attracting genuine connections rooted in authenticity.

Your obsession may have brought you to this moment,

but it can be the gateway to a deeper,

richer connection with yourself.

Continue reading: By the Age of 35, You Should Be Smart Enough to Know These 16 Dark Psychology Tricks