10 Toxic Tactics of the Female Covert Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist is difficult,

but there is nothing worse than dealing with a covert narcissist.

Here are the toxic tactics a female covert narcissist

uses once the love bombing stage is over

and the devaluation stage has started.

It first starts with devaluation and idealization.

The psychology of the idealization

and devaluation cycle is a pattern of intermittent reinforcement

that deeply confuses your mind, heart, and soul.

It preys on your deepest human needs and desires,

as well as on your neurological motivation and reward pathways.

Devaluation is actually a projection

and a discharge of negative emotions

that the narcissist has toward their true self.

They release and discharge that onto you as a defense mechanism

to keep anyone from recognizing their discarded and rejected self.

It is also a method of control.

You will never leave because you are too busy trying

to prove your worth to her and eventually to yourself.

You dedicate all your time, money, and energy to this “puzzle”

you are trying to solve,

driven by the sense that if you can just prove your worth,

you will win the grand prize:

her unconditional love and approval.

However, the truth is you are getting sucked into playing a hopelessly rigged long game.

Here are the 10 tactics she uses to dominate and control you.

1. The “Bait and Switch” on Vulnerability

The female covert narcissist will entrust you with her most vulnerable experiences early on, making you feel special.

The Shift: After the love bombing, she acts as though she made a mistake trusting you. She accuses you of making her feel insecure and unsafe, claiming it is entirely your fault.

The Trap: The only way to get the “good version” of her back is to prove your worthiness repeatedly. This trains you to believe you are defective and must work constantly to fix the relationship.

2. Passive-Aggressive Conflict Creation

She is super passive-aggressive and will create arguments out of thin air.

Fabricated Issues: She might accuse you of having a “tone” or being negative when you are fine, pushing until you actually become mad.

Withholding Information: Alternatively, she may act upset but refuse to tell you why, making you beg for forgiveness without knowing what you did. This keeps the upper hand and makes you feel like the problem.

3. Extreme Defensiveness

If you try to talk about something important to you, she will dismiss, minimize, or shut you down.

No Accountability: She will not compromise or take responsibility for her role in a problem.

Fake Apologies: If she does apologize, it is often a ploy to ultimately shift the blame back onto you.

4. Careless with Your Emotions

She is extremely careless, impatient, and reckless with your emotions, especially if your pain is related to her actions.

Zero Empathy: If you cry or show sadness, she views it as weakness and is unphased.

Weaponizing Vulnerability: Any fears or past traumas you confided in her at the beginning will be used against you later in arguments to prove you are at fault.

5. The “No-Win” Situation

No matter what you say or do, it will be wrong.

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t: If you leave an argument to cool off, she is angry you are “running away.” If you stay, she claims you are being “too aggressive.” You cannot win.

6. Constant Comparisons

She compares you and your relationship to others to make you feel inadequate.

Never Enough: No matter how much time, money, or energy you spend, it is never enough.
Competitive Nature: These comparisons trigger your competitive nature, making you work harder to prove you are better than the next guy, while she puts in minimal effort.

7. Grading Your Performance

Many female covert narcissists will start “grading” your performance in the relationship.

Chronic Dissatisfaction: She might say you were “only a 6 out of 10” or a vacation was “only 40% of what she expected.”
The “Try-Hard”: This treats your efforts as the bare minimum, forcing you to step it up constantly to avoid her disappointment and criticism.

8. One-Way Boundaries

She has strict boundaries for you, but your boundaries are disregarded.

Double Standards: Any rules you have are seen as unimportant or stupid, while hers must be obeyed.

9. Controlling Your Every Move

She needs to know and control everything you do, often under the guise of questioning your competence.

Incompetence: She treats you as though you can’t do anything right—from grocery shopping to going to the gym.
Self-Doubt: This makes you second-guess yourself and check in with her on everything to avoid guilt trips or the silent treatment.

10. Stripping Your Self-Worth

Over time, you are stripped of any self-worth and self-respect.

Loss of Self: You constantly adjust yourself to please her, eventually becoming a shell of the person you used to be.
Psychological Domination: You may start to see yourself as the “monster” she paints you to be, feeling completely dominated and broken down psychologically.

Summary

If you recognize these patterns, ask yourself: Is the relationship improving or deteriorating? Are you evolving or devolving? Understanding these toxic tactics is the first step to seeing that the game is rigged and that you cannot win, no matter how hard you try.